Change

I don’t always know why I write these and then put them on the internet where anyone can find it (that is, if they look hard enough). I’m always surprised when people tell me they’ve read something from my blog, and a bit embarrassed. But it’s cathartic for me, so I do it all the same, and saving it away on my hard drive feels like a waste. This entry is mainly about random stuff in my life, so, Rachael, skip on by. I’ll do an entry with pictures or something next week to make up for all this text.

I’ve been thinking about this for kind of awhile, and I’m caught up on my homework so I figured I’d put something down about it today. I used to think I wasn’t too scared of change, and that I could handle it just fine. When I moved from Vermont to Utah, I was excited and amped for a new life in a new place, only to be pretty bored for three months while I waited for summer break to be over. I remember when I was about 9 or 10, we were talking about my big brother heading off for school in Idaho, 2,000 miles away. I think it finally hit me how different it would be when he was actually gone, and I started balling. I was young, so please withhold judgment! But the older I get, the more life isn’t what I ever thought it would be. I mean, lots of things are consistent, but the 10-year-old or 15-year-old me didn’t expect life to be the way it is now.

I’m pretty sure it’s reasonable to be scared of change. It’s not the best approach, sure, but reasonable. We get comfortable, we like the way things are in our life, and then either we catalyze something dramatic or something happens to us. Sometimes I’m grateful for the change that takes place. Sometimes I’m upset or frustrated, sometimes I’m not sure how to react, and a lot of the time it’s a mix of all of that.

I like a nice long, quiet drive, and I usually get those when I head home for dinner with my family, about an hour from where I go to school. Around February I changed my major from industrial design to biophysics, from getting a BFA to a BS, from an art major that relied on technical skill and creativity to science and math. I was excited, but it was a big switch. I still love design, just not as a career. Well, that was all fine and good, because I didn’t have to really act on that change until school started in the fall. About 6 to 8 weeks ago I was driving home, pretty scared about what had transpired through the first few weeks of school. I was mentally lost, getting my butt kicked my calculus, confused by biology and losing hair for the first time ever (don’t worry, it’s not happening anymore) because of all the stress. Industrial design was really, really hard. But it was a completely different challenge in relation to all the science classes I as taking. So I went from excited about a change and the future it held to scared about what could happen. I still am, but that has been abated somewhat with some different approaches to school and patience with my current shortcomings.

That wasn’t really the part I was most scared of. My grades aren’t great, but they aren’t bad either, so it’s not like another B was going to kill me. But my future, the life I want to have, looked out of reach. I had already spent 7 years thinking of myself as an industrial designer, a decision I had made at 14 and had pursued for a third of my life. The thought of failing or quitting again, not making it to a good grad school (still 3 years away for me) and being unable to provide for myself and eventually a family was terrifying. It would mean another huge change in how my life was going to turn out. It took me 2 months to decide to leave the industrial design program and move forward. When it comes to my education and career, I don’t make decisions lightly, and I put a lot of thought into what will happen. I have a plan for what will take place over the next 5 or 10 years, and I try not to let any doubt about my path creep in. Second guessing myself would drive me crazy. So naturally, when I wasn’t doing as well as I had thought, and I wasn’t as smart as I thought, I was worried another change was coming. Well currently, I’m sticking with the plan. We’ll see what happens by April ’11.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that I fear change. I think we all are scared of uncertainty, and with good reason. But a lot of good can come of it. My life would not be the way it is right now, and I don’t think it would be nearly as good as it is now, if we hadn’t moved across the country 7 years ago. It was hard on me, hard on my family and took awhile for life to look positive. A smaller example that I still think of sometimes happened when I was 16: I was obsessed with lacrosse and played about 9 months out of the year. I was getting ready to sign up for winter league only to find out that the games would be played in Park City, too far for me to drive in the winter. My parents wouldn’t let me sign up, and I was pretty peeved. I had tried out for Team Utah a couple of weeks earlier but blown it off; I didn’t think I’d make it. Well, about a week after my parents gave me the news, I was invited to play with Team Utah, with practices 10 minutes from my house in a much more competitive and well-coached league. A lot of the kids I played against are now on the BYU team, and one was an all-American. Better than the rag-tag games played in the usual winter league, and lots more fun. Something negative changed in my life, but a positive opportunity rose from it. We can’t really predict the outcomes.

I can’t predict what will happen with my career path. And I know change is scary. If it’s big, it’s bound to be so. I know it’s hard when someone breaks our heart, or we lose our job, or someone we love dies or whatever may come our way, but it’ll all be okay. I know I’ve said that to friends in the past, and when it comes my way as it is right now, it’s hard to believe it. But I think we can all look back at the hard stuff that’s happened in our lives and generally see that at least some good came of the situation. So if a relationship with a friend falls apart, or our job goes south, or your fiancé bails on you, there’s something better coming. I believe in God, and I believe he wants our lives to be happy. If we keep trying, keep trusting something good will come of the changes in our lives, then the good will come. You’ll find a better job, you’ll meet someone better who’ll make you the happiest you’ve ever been, you’ll just find a way to have a better life than you did before, at least in some, if not most regards. I know my life hasn’t been much of a struggle, really; I mean, I’ve had some hard things happen, and so has my family, and a lot of the changes that have come have led to some real trials, but overall I’ve been strengthened and blessed for it. Whatever changes or stressed may come our way, just keep on pushing and it will all work out.